I knit this hat last night/tonight after work. It has a pom pom. I didn’t go get drunk cause I wanted to finish the hat. Now I’ve got to just knit a hat every day until I figure out how to be happy and healthy. Reading old journal entries (old as in 3 weeks ago) and rolling my eyes at myself. Maybe I’ll make some soup. Finish twin peaks. Masturbate to something really weird and feel disgusting for the rest of the night.
9:36 pm • 11 December 2013 • 3 notes
Anonymous asked: you have thin thighs
I’ve gained weight since that picture, I don’t. They’re not that bad but they’re not that great either.
9:17 pm • 11 December 2013
I started knitting and I am consumed by knitting now. I have to work in 4 hours and I’m just sitting here looking up patterns like it doesn’t even matter. I’m going to knit myself a boyfriend. I’m going to knit my way out of my drug dependance. I’m gonna knit myself into a coma and never wake up.
2:15 am • 11 December 2013 • 2 notes
Anonymous asked: (god sorry these asks sound so creepy i just relate to you a lot and need some advice of my own)
that’s okay I like them
12:16 pm • 5 December 2013
Anonymous asked: what do you mostly spend your money on? do you save up money at all?
alcohol, drugs, food, phone bill, have to pay off my trip to mexico in march with my next paycheck. Then I’m going to start paying rent to my grandmother so she stops saying she’s going to apply at Wendy’s. I don’t save money but I need to start.
12:15 pm • 5 December 2013
Anonymous asked: sorry if it's intrusive or anything, you said you feel like a piece of shit, how so? what do you think you need to work on?
I don’t have a lot of self esteem. I used to until I went through a bad relationship, gained a lot of weight because I stopped caring about myself. I’ve been sitting here for like 10 minutes trying to answer this and I’m not really sure how. I spend so much time trying to look like I’m not crazy that I end up actually acting crazy. I treat the people who care about me badly and I really can’t think of an excuse for that, there’s no justification for being annoyed by someone genuinely trying to care for you. For worrying about you. For wanting to talk to you. The only good quality I have is that if my friends are in trouble I drop everything to be there for them, yet if my grandma wants me to watch some stupid show with me about how a cat and an owl are friends on national geographic I can’t get out of bed because I’d rather sit and feel sorry myself. It’s pathetic and really, I just am a shitty person. Like there are just some people who are a certain way, they’re just assholes. I’m a huge asshole. I spend nights with boys who don’t care about me the way I care about them because I just don’t want to be alone. I can’t even just admit that maybe I really liked someone and they hurt me and I should stop texting them trying to pretend like I never did or that I just wanted to fuck them anyways. That’s just sad. It’s a lot more sad to be that person than to just admit that it wasn’t gonna work and you got too attached to something that wasn’t there. Things you know in the back of your mind but can’t separate from when you’re drunk and high and have a phone just waiting for you to embarrass yourself with. I don’t know.
12:14 pm • 5 December 2013
Anonymous asked: how did you end up with the friends that you have? are you happy?
I started posting on an internet forum in 2007 and started meeting people off of there because I didn’t have many friends in high school to begin with and the ones I did have didn’t really like me. Which I can’t blame them for I was awful. Anyways, started getting drunk a lot in a car port with a bunch of internet people. Kept partying with the majority of the same people for years but never really became “friends” with most of them except for a couple. I was depressed for a long time because I didn’t feel like I had a group of people I could rely on, I was always going out but felt alienated. Had the few people I knew were there for me (who are and always will be amazing) but didn’t feel like I belonged to anything which sounds super lame but whatever.
Wasn’t until recently that I sort of started clicking with a few people and actually enjoying myself hanging out with friends in a social setting. I’m not happy because I’m a huge piece of shit and need to get my life together, lol. But I’m really happy for the friends I do have that I can call up any day of the week and I know they’ll be willing to hang out regardless of what it is we’re doing that night. Feels nice to feel like you’re a part of peoples lives and they want you around. Not entirely sure how it happened because I’d known them for years and years and years and just never got to know them. In all honesty, we probably just did MDMA together or something. I don’t care. Whatever it is it worked and I’m less miserable than I used to be regarding my social life.
Everyone else is sort of clustered into a group of “people I like to party with and people I have had sex with but still like talking to” coincidentally the same group of people that start rumors that I do threesomes for blow but hey you know, whatever.
12:17 am • 2 December 2013
I’m envious of people who can maintain friendships with their exes. I don’t sit around wishing things were the way they were but yeah, there are days where I miss my old best friend and wish I could reach out and talk to him. But I can’t because every time we talk we end up about as close to killing each other as it gets. Certain things are just meant to die and be forgotten I guess.
9:53 pm • 27 November 2013 • 1 note
do you masturbate to the thought of people you know irl?
3:32 pm • 22 November 2013 • 2 notes